The most amazing thing in my life right now is that most of my pants are falling off my ass. This might be something that has happened to most people but it has never happened to me. Generally, the opposite has been true where I have had to stuff, tuck, or at least coax my ass into my pants. Now I am walking along and stopping to hitch up my pants every thirty seconds like a ‘pants on the ground’ kid. If a stiff wind hit me, I swear my pants would collapse on the ground around my feet. I kid you not. It’s completely crazy.
“Wear a belt,” my husband says.
I look at him, like, seriously? I should just hitch up my pants under my arms and wind a belt around my waist? How about a piece of rope? “Where’s our rope?” I ask him. “I need some rope to hold up my pants.”
The same weird thing has happened with my chest. An area of some pride, my chest in recent years has been known to pop the buttons on my favorite Jones New York business shirts. “Maybe you should wear a camisole,” a prim friend once told me, rolling her eyes just the slightest bit. This hurt my feelings a little because I always felt a little behind and sideways in the lingerie department, utilitarian, minimalist. For a long time my favorite bras came from K-Mart, a period coinciding with my Jean Nate fetish. It’s okay. I’m over it now although there is still a bottle of Jean Nate in my linen closet. I sniff it now and then just to try to remember what it was that I saw in it. It’s rancid, I think. Is that what happens to drug store body splash after fifteen years?
Shirts button now. So do jackets. I bundle up like a proper old lady, there is not much hanging out on top and the rope seems to be doing the job with my pants.
All of this wardrobe adjustment is a function of having lost just twenty pounds. I probably look just the same to the rest of the world but in my mind’s eye, I feel like Audrey Hepburn. I just need a pixie cut and some cuter flats. It’s lovely, floating through my day as Audrey Hepburn. I am lithe, elegant, so very narrow.
It occurs to me now that I would have had this sublime joy years ago had I just bought pants two sizes too big.
What one learns as one matures is just extraordinary.