Happiness. It's relative.
Posted on December 12, 2015 by Jan Wilberg
My worst quality is thinking I should fix people who haven’t asked for repair.
When my children were children, my fixing fixation was in full gear. They had issues, to be sure, but fewer than I detected.
The trap of making one’s children into symptoms in search of a disease is a tricky one. On the one hand, a good mother doesn’t want to miss anything that needs tending to. On the other, being on the receiving end of someone’s fixing, no matter how well-intentioned, can be crippling. It takes only minutes to turn the fixing inside out: I need fixing, therefore, I am a mess.
I’ve tried fixing a few friends. So often solutions to a friend’s problems seem so obvious and available like beautiful plump cherries landing on the table, their green leaves still attached. Here, I’d say, just take this wonderful cherry. It’s just laying here for you.
And when I’ve done this, my friends, like my children, would nod, admire the cherries but then leave them all on the table. It would irk me. My interpretation of the cherry-leaving was that people wanted to hold on to their problems, that they were more at home being troubled than being happy or successful or whatever I’d decided the end goal should be.
It’s very wearing to be someone’s project. To be told to get more sleep, spend more time outside, take a class, see a therapist, stop drinking, philandering, gambling, change jobs, confront the co-worker, or reconcile with your parents.
It took a long time, some would say forever, before I realized a simple thing: other people’s problems aren’t mine to solve, or more accurately, mine to try to solve.
I realized this about the same time that it occurred to me that if anyone dared give me advice about my life, I’d shut them down in a nanosecond, cut them off, roll up my window and hit the road. Why had it never occurred to me that other people felt the same way? They weren’t waiting for me to solve their problems. They were just indulging me. My kids and my friends somehow found the same winning strategy: just let her talk about the cherries and move on.
It is a new experience, this keeping my mouth shut. But enriching like so many things that come from living a long time. Because I’m not busy deciding what should happen next, I can just watch things unfold in beautiful and amazing ways that I would never have predicted.
It’s different but I like it better.
Written in response to the WordPress Daily Post prompt: What is your worst quality?
Category: Family StoriesTags: The Daily Post, Worst quality
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What happens here on Red's Wrap is all over the map. There is no single theme, no overarching gripe, no malady of my own or others that dominates. I write about what seems important or interesting at the moment. It could be about gracefully handling my own aging, being a good feminist, or finding out what it means to be a decent mother and grandmother. Nothing stays the same, here or anywhere. That's a good thing. Happiness. It's relative.
(c) Janice Wilberg and Red’s Wrap (2010-2022). Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author/owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Janice (Jan) Wilberg and Red’s Wrap with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
It’s also so much more relaxing! Difficult keeping one’s mouth shut with one’s children – we’ll probably feel some sort of responsibility for them our whole lives – but with others it shouldn’t be too much of a problem. You also get more time to just listen, which is often enlightening 🙂
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I guess trying to “repair” family and friends, no matter how well meant, could be a bit annoying for them. On the other hand, if that’s your worst quality, you’re doing pretty well. I can certainly think of many worse traits. 🙂
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Reblogged this on Praying for Eyebrowz and commented:
I’ve certainly been guilty of trying to “fix” people. Great piece at redswrap.wordpress.com.
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