Red's Wrap
Happiness. It's relative.
Outerwear
I Googled an old boyfriend a few nights ago and a picture of him popped up. It was the only photo of him I’d ever seen but remarkably as I remembered him in my mind’s eye. Hair parted in the middle, big bushy beard, a really elegant looking nose, and aviator sunglasses. He’s looking off in the distance, not at the camera, not posing, just sitting there, seemingly unaware.
It made me wish I’d kept a scrapbook of old boyfriends where each would have a page with a photo and a few mementos of our time together. Cigarette butts, 911 call records, and a Jameson’s label would be pasted on this one’s page. Tickets from the race track and a cassette of bluegrass music might take up a second page, along with a memory of my 5-year old daughter hoisted on Ray Benson’s shoulders after an Asleep at the Wheel concert; it would be a sketch from a recollection because, of course, there is no photo.
Then, it would be nice to have beginning and end dates for each boyfriend, which, in this particular case, would look like the EKG of a patient alternately hysterical and comatose, since there were so many beginnings and ends. Peaks and valleys. Peaks and valleys. But never a flat line, there was always something there. I think that’s how it is. Nothing is ever dead and buried even if the people are.
The people you love in your life have permanence. But the rules of love seem to dictate the opposite, that love is like parallel parking. You can’t park a new car in a space until you move the old one out. But I don’t think it’s like that. I think there is love and then there is allegiance. There is love and then there is partnership. There is love and then there is complete faith and trust. The cars pile up, stack one on another, it gets crowded and dense but every car has a place.
I still love the man in the picture and the others in the scrapbook I wish I’d kept. I see each of their faces in my mind’s eye. I see the faces that made me love them. And it feels like riches, a coat of many colors, thick and warm, that is hanging in the back of my closet next to the brown suede jacket and the black parka I never wear. It’s nice to have it in there, to own it but it doesn’t mean I ever need to wear it.
The boyfriend in the photo died eight years ago. I hadn’t seen him for many years but I went to his funeral. The last time I saw him alive was at an anniversary dinner of an organization where we’d both worked. He had a seat at the same table as me and my husband. When he saw me, he stood up and held his arms out like he had done a thousand times when we were young. And I hugged him. His beard was the same. His look the same. But he seemed happy for me, happy to see me married. Glad that life had treated me well. And in that moment, I didn’t miss him but I loved him. For caring about my life even though he wasn’t in it. For letting me go but being the precious coat in the closet.
Thinking about this has made me glad I’ve had this life.
16 Comments on “Outerwear”
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Snow Door | wisconsinacademy.org
Listen to Jan read her essay “Billy” presented on WUWM’s Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “At the Breakfast Bar” on WUWM Lake Effect
Jan’s essay “The Parish Hall,” on WUWM Lake Effect
“Fury Cannot Touch Me,” Modern Love, NYT, 9/29/11
Oh how much I loved reading your words here. I have had those crushes and fleeting moments of love before I fell for VT but I know there are those people who we remember for the warmth they keep bringing in. Absolutely beautiful post.
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It’s been said previously, but the visual images really pulled me into this piece. And this way of reflecting on past loves is very thought-provoking. I love it!
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for letting me know.
I love the visual threads that you placed throughout this piece that seem so different… the scrapbook, peaks and valleys of an EKG, parallel parked cars, the coats … but they are woven together so deftly that it becomes one beautiful piece of fabric.
I think I went metaphor-crazy. Probably over the top. But I’m glad you liked it.
Jan, you never cease to amaze me. You have had such a rich life, and you know how to perfectly meld your memories into such fine prose. I’m so jealous. 😍
That’s so kind of you. Thank you.
I like to start with the positive, move into the feedback, then post a final overarching positive. So can we just pretend I pasted the whole thing as the start, criticized you for not sending this post to me ten years ago, and then ask if we can be best friends?
This is really f’cking brilliant. There are so. many. lines. that just GOT to me. It started with this one: “Cigarette butts, 911 call records, and a Jameson’s label would be pasted on this one’s page.”
To me, the pivotal point was this: “The people you love in your life have permanence. But the rules of love seem to dictate the opposite.” And if I were going to offer any suggestions it would be that I would love to see this piece written as fiction with this being in the opening line. Only because I think that would make a great short story. But it is perfect as is. 100%. Totally gets my vote.
Other lines that punched me in the gut, made me laugh, etc:
I still love the man in the picture and the others in the scrapbook I wish I’d kept.
Then, it would be nice to have beginning and end dates for each boyfriend, which, in this particular case, would look like the EKG of a patient alternately hysterical and comatose, since there were so many beginnings and ends. Peaks and valleys. Peaks and valleys. But never a flat line, there was always something there. I think that’s how it is. Nothing is ever dead and buried even if the people are.
Wow.
Well. That’s a pretty wonderful comment to read. Thank you. A lot.
Your comparison to parallel parking really got me thinking about all my lost connections. Some I wish I’d stayed in touch with, and some I’m glad we both moved on. I think I’ll be Googling some of those old names and seeing what comes up after reading your thought-provoking piece.
The parallel parking notion got a little tangled up but you get the idea. We don’t slot one out and slot another one in – these people stick with us. I guess I didn’t get that until I saw that picture.
I love this, I love how you draw me into your past while inviting me to look into my own. I love your writing so much!
Thank you!
Jan, this is so special. To look at our past loves in this way. You got me thinking…
Yeah – the picture just really threw me into a different way of thinking.