Category: Humor

Swirl’s Chewed Things: Swaddling

Hello. I am Swirl. My owners think I need a therapy dog. I get extremely anxious when storms are coming so I jump on things and paw at them like the couch pillows and people. Last week during a storm, the lady sat in… Continue Reading “Swirl’s Chewed Things: Swaddling”

Swirl’s Chewed Things: Indigestible Assets

Hello. I am Swirl. I ate a dollar bill. I didn’t know it was money. I thought it was green paper with a face on it. Like a drawing. Or a page from a book. I think. I’ve heard books have pages but I… Continue Reading “Swirl’s Chewed Things: Indigestible Assets”

Divination

Last night, after dinner, while I was upstairs on the phone and Howard was outside watering the plants, our beloved dog Swirl ate a plateful of leftover barbecued chicken and three pieces of pizza that had been tucked away on the far reaches of… Continue Reading “Divination”

Red’s Wrap Gets a Fashion Consult

I understand you’re in need of some fashion advice. Possibly. I seem to be in a bit of a rut, fashion-wise, you know, with the pandemic and all. Were you fashionable before the pandemic? And then the pandemic got you wearing sweats all the… Continue Reading “Red’s Wrap Gets a Fashion Consult”

Swirl’s Chewed Things: Sex Education

Hello. I am Swirl. I am sick. It’s because a tick bit me. I don’t remember it biting me. Ticks are so little. I have to take pills and I can’t go to the dog park. So today I ate part of a book.… Continue Reading “Swirl’s Chewed Things: Sex Education”

Swirl’s Chewed Things: Branches

Hello. I am Swirl. Today, I tried to eat a tampon. I found it in a box with a lot of other tampons. I didn’t eat it whole. I peeled it. There was the paper on the outside. And then harder paper, like bark.… Continue Reading “Swirl’s Chewed Things: Branches”

Swirl’s chewed things: Drawers

Hello. I am Swirl. I am remarkable. Last night, I pulled out a dresser drawer. This is remarkable because I already chewed off the little wooden drawer pull a while ago. So it was hard. There were a lot of things in the drawer.… Continue Reading “Swirl’s chewed things: Drawers”

Race Day

I still have the shirt, bright pink with Danskin 2007 Women’s Triathlon on the front and a slew of company logos on the back. My friend, Karen, has probably tossed hers, that’s how she is, totally unsentimental, not into mementos or false glory. After… Continue Reading “Race Day”

Swirl’s Chewed Things: The Dead Hat

Hello. I am Swirl. I am a good boy. Yesterday, I killed a hat. It was a hat for the Milwaukee Brewers. They only play in front of cardboard people so it doesn’t matter. Besides, I don’t think the people here are on the… Continue Reading “Swirl’s Chewed Things: The Dead Hat”

Joyful Tail

You look pretty average. Mind if we interview you? Sure, I guess. What the hell. So, we’re doing a series on all the joy that people are finding in the pandemic. We’re calling it Pandemic Pluses. Whole different take on things, you know. Enough… Continue Reading “Joyful Tail”

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