Minnie and BowWow Talk about the Stock Market

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BowWow:  It’s a crock that she leaves us out here while she goes and makes coffee.

Minnie:  Oh, come on. It’s just the morning routine. We have to do our business, you know.

BowWow:  You have to do your business, Minnie. I can just hold it.

Minnie:  Yes. I’ve noticed that you’ve become the “Big Withholder.” That must be why she comes out here and stands in the yard until you finally pee. Don’t you find that a little embarrassing? Needing supervision like that?

BowWow:  I don’t get embarrassed.

Minnie:  Apparently.

BowWow:  On another note, I see that their investments are turning to shit. Did you see the market report this morning?

Minnie:  No. I was seeing to my responsibilities. You know, doing my business in the yard, and having a nice breakfast. Why would I watch the market report?

BowWow: Well, maybe because we could end up eating kibble from the Dollar Store. There’s a lot at stake here, Minnie. They do well, we do well. They take a dive, we become excess baggage in the trip of life, if you get my drift. They’ll ditch us and get a cat that can live on mice.

Minnie:  I don’t think you should panic. I heard they’re very diversified and have increased their bond holdings. Fluctuations in the market don’t affect them so much.

BowWow:  I hate it when you get all superior and smarty pants.

Minnie:  I know. It’s okay. Really, you shouldn’t worry about the stock market. The people love us. Even you.

 

Minnie and BowWow Talk about Christmas

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BowWow: We’re not getting shit for Christmas.

Minnie: How do you know? There are a lot of bags from Target up in her office.

BowWow: That doesn’t mean a damn thing. She always has bags from Target. Did you sniff up there?

Minnie: No, I try not to be constantly sniffing. A. It takes the surprise out of things. And B. It’s just uncouth.

BowWow: Uncouth? I see it as part of our job to protect the security of the house. You know, make sure there’s nothing or nobody untoward, as you would put it.

Minnie: Most of the stuff that’s untoward, as you would put it, comes into the house on the TV, more specifically CNN. How many times did they replay that piece about the Donald man saying that Hillary got schlonged by Obama.?

BowWow: How come it isn’t Hillary got schlonged by Barack or Clinton got schlonged by Obama? I don’t get the gender inequality of the name utilization.

Minnie: What? Since when do you talk about gender inequality? Who are you trying to impress? It can’t be me. I know what you lick when no one’s looking.

BowWow: Jesus H. That isn’t nice to speak of such things. Talk about uncouth. Good fucking grief.

Minnie: Oh, brother. Anyway, so what is it you want for Christmas, BowWow? What would make you happy?

BowWow: I’d like something that would bring out my inner talents.

Minnie: What inner talents? All of your talents are just hanging out there. That’s pretty much your talent. That, and your advanced whining to get lifted up on the couch.

BowWow: I want to be a better dog. I’m looking for self-improvement opportunities. For instance, I’m trying not to swear so fucking much.

Minnie: Maybe you could write Santa a letter. Tell him what a great dog you’ve been. Try your outrageous ‘be a better dog’ gambit on old S.C. Maybe he’ll bring you a piano.

BowWow: We have a piano. I love the piano. Under the piano is one of my favorite places to, you know……well, I’m not going to be uncouth….you know what I mean.

Minnie: Indeed.

Minnie and BowWow’s First Road Trip in the New Truck

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BowWow: Jesus H. I feel like I’m riding in a semi, here. A big nut size Bulldog. Hey, smart guy in front, what’s our handle, see any Smokies up there? Give us the word, Good Buddy.

Minnie: Don’t bother him. He’s trying to drive safely in the rain.

BowWow: Yeah, well, they’re up there with their big seats and their console and their coffee and all their shit plugged in. It’s like they put two La-Z-Boys in a giant box with a steering wheel. Meanwhile, we’re back here on this fucking bench.

Minnie: At least we’re not in the back. You know. Where they put the cargo.

BowWow: Cargo? Cargo? What cargo? You can’t really think he bought this truck to haul cargo. Good Lord, Minnie, how much of a sap can you be?

Minnie: Well, she’s doing that Time of the Month Club thing now. You know. Getting those things for homeless women.

BowWow: Oh, okay, I get it. He bought an F150 to haul Tampax around town. What a prince of a guy. Minnie, wait right here while I figure out how to roll the window down and fling myself on to the highway. Where’s a fucking bus when you need one? Hit me with a bus, for God’s sake. Cargo.

Minnie: You need to calm down. Stop being so dramatic. So incendiary. They’re going to start thinking we’re unhappy back here.

BowWow: We ARE unhappy back here.

Minnie: No, they’ll think we’re unhappy and they’ll stop asking us to come along. They’ll just assume we’d rather stay in the kennel.

BowWow: Yeah. Doggy prison. It’s lookin’ good right now. Like a big Va-cay. Dog treats. Romping with the opposites. Beats this rolling nightmare of rain and classical music. Endlessfuckingness. We don’t even know where the fuck we’re going.

Minnie: Just trust them, BowWow. That’s what I do. And it always turns out nice.

Minnie and BowWow Talk on the Back Porch

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BowWow: It pisses me off when she finally comes home and then it’s all like hurry up and run outside and pee.

Minnie: You let stuff bother you. It’s okay what she does. She feeds us afterward so who cares?

BowWow: You’d do better if you had some standards and stop acting like everything they do is such a big fucking favor.

Minnie: Well, it is kind of a favor. I was pretty much an orphan when they took me in.

BowWow: Oh, please. Orphan. You stop being an orphan when you grow up which is something you ought to try doing. You know what being an orphan means? Endless fucking gratitude. Alright already. So they took me in. That means I have to bow and scrape for fucking ever?

Minnie: I wish you wouldn’t swear so much.

BowWow:You need to stop being so polite and assert yourself. There’s more to life than being a toady to the people. And there’s nothing wrong with swearing. Did you hear them last night? Sitting out here on the porch? Him with that cigar and her with that glass of wine that is fucking attached to her hand? Come on. Get in the mix, man. This isn’t Toyland here. This is fucking real.

Minnie:You’re always so hostile when you’re out here and then we’re inside and you’re the first one to jump on the couch. It makes me think sometimes that you are insincere. Maybe you aren’t being your true self with the people. It hurts my heart, especially after all they’ve done for us.

BowWow: It ‘hurts your heart’? Are you fucking kidding me? You’re a fucking dog, Minnie, not some New Age guy charging folks $5,000 to hang out in a sweat lodge. ‘Hurt your heart.’ Let me go eat some grass and puke a little. I’ll be right back.

Minnie: You can try to shame me but it won’t work. I love them. They rescued me. Without them, I would be nothing. A cur. On the street. Emaciated. Lonely.

BowWow: Yeah, well, I’d be taking the north side apart. Yeah, I kind of bounced around before I came here. I grant you that. It was no picnic getting too big for Wanda’s purse. But I would’ve figured it out on the streets. I’m no fucking sissy, you know. I got balls.

Minnie: Oh yes. You have balls. I see that. They’re small but very nice. Round.